Quite recently, I was introduced to a gem of the Golden Age of Hollywood - An Affair to Remember. Let me highlight the main allures of the film for those of you who have not had the pleasure of experiencing the on-screen chemistry between Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr: Grant, playing a well-known, handsome playboy meets Kerr, an endearingly quick-witted and beautiful woman aboard a transatlantic ocean liner. They tease and flirt their way from Europe to America, longing for each other increasingly more and more. The audience is long kept in suspense about the future of their romance. After all, they are both spoken for and both have lives to return to. But as sparks between them continue to fly, it becomes clear the attraction cannot be resisted. Kerr has completely captivated the philandering Grant. In turn, her resistance to his charms breaks down and the audience is, eventually, rewarded with their first kiss. Or at least a hint of it. Such is the importance and gravitas of this one kiss that we never see their lips actually lock; we just witness their feet approach behind the ship's balustrade. Nonetheless, the kiss must have really been something, because upon arrival to New York the couple agrees to meet in six months on top of the Empire State building to be together. True to form, Grant arrives there half a year later and waits long hours for his chosen one to appear.
Now let me tell you another story. The story of a different romantic encounter that occurred almost 60 years after An Affair to Remember, on dry land, and slightly more north of New York in the city of Cambridge, Massachusetts. A young woman was attending a conference at Harvard University. After the opening speeches, she struck up a pleasant conversation with several other attendees at the reception that ensued. It was a lovely evening, full of friendly chatter over wine and canapés. Among her new companions was a handsome student from Germany who had come to the conference from New York. He was smart, easy-going and funny. By the end of the evening they had exchanged contact details and bid farewell expressing hopes they would bump into each other at the conference panels the next day.
The spark only grew from there. Sitting beside each other at dinner, they found excuses to touch each other on the arm to emphasize a point or nudge each other playfully in mock indignation over a joke. Every glance and smile became a little tease. Unfortunately, time few by quickly in good company and the inevitable departure of the German student back to New York drew closer. And so the waiter was asked for the bill, words of gratitude for such a pleasant encounter spoken, and warm goodbyes exchanged with all the other dinner companions. Finally, there they were, at the end of the night, the remaining two standing in the middle of Harvard Square. It was a truly beautiful evening. One of those first warm nights at the end of winter when you feel that spring might finally be just around the corner. "Would you like to take a walk?" he asked. The obvious answer was yes.
As they set off down Massachusetts Avenue, our protagonist had a brief pang of misgiving. She thought to herself that no good could possibly come out of this walk. They clearly shared an attraction, but he was leaving. They had nowhere to go beyond the destination at the end of their walk. And yet the hint of spring in the air and energetic bustle of the streets on a Saturday night were so inviting. They painted a picture of possibility and romance. Who could deny the temptation to see where it would go next? After all, it could be just a little adventure, a couple more glances and smiles - he might be too shy to make a move anyway.
As they walked, he made her laugh and feel at ease and all remaining conference-appropriate reservations were shed. He was optimistic and full of energy - it felt exhilarating to be with him. As they approached their walk's originally intended destination, he grabbed her hand and ran across the street in front of oncoming traffic, declaring they should walk some more. Why protest? And so they went on until they reached a small square with a sculpture standing on a large, lit-up platform. They approached to admire it. All around the lights were still on in the office buildings. She wondered aloud what people might be doing inside at the late hour. Moving closer to stand just behind her, the German student outstretched his arm, brushing her shoulder, pointing up to one of the windows. "In there, is a man. He has a crush on a girl who works in the window over there." he moved his arm to indicate another window across from the last. "But she doesn't know it," he finished. What came next was inevitable and easy. His pointing hand dropped down and found her's. Locking their fingers together she could feel how shy he was as his face leaned in to be inches from her cheek. He spun her around to face him, pulling her closer and they began the dance he had proposed jokingly hours before. Forgotten were the people behind office windows, or even passers by.
His first move may have been shy, but there was no hesitation in the kiss that followed. It was bold and passionate. And yet, once the contact was broken, our protagonist could not help but wonder aloud what they were doing. "Don't think about that. How often does this happen?" came the response. He had a point. Any anyway, he seemed so nice, so decent, so truly taken up by the moment. He asked her whether she visits New York often, promised a speedy return to Boston and took her number. Despite a morning meeting back in the city, he expressed a desire to stay. "Maybe I shouldn't go." She smiled back and suggested that during his next visit he should take her out on a date. And so it was agreed. After one final, long kiss they parted ways, walking away from one another but finding it impossible not to turn back for one more smile.
This point would be the perfect moment to end the story if it were in fact a Hollywood movie. Let the camera zoom out as the pair walks away, each to their yet unknown future. Not only would it be suitably romantic, but like the hidden kiss in An Affair to Remember, it would let the audience imagine what comes next. All those possibilities! Unfortunately, real life tends to be less perfect. The feeling of optimism and excited expectation about what might come next only lasts about a day until the great guy who was so into you just last night fails to call. The first few days you dare hope he might just be playing it cool, but by day seven you realize you are never going to hear from him again.
If you are a single woman meeting and dating men, this kind of thing happens. A lot. Someone takes you on a wonderful adventure leaving you with the distinctive feeling that you have both just experienced something special. Its wonderful. Its life affirming. Until radio silence ensues and you are left wondering whether perhaps the guy who made such a great impression on you has in fact got some seriously poor manners, or worse, whether the moment you shared just wasn't quite so special for him.
And so I was left wondering about how to handle similar moments of spontaneity in the future. Surely, the answer is not avoiding them all together. What would be the fun in that? But perhaps the solution is to do what we would hope any great guy would do after experiencing a wonderful, serendipitous moment with us - acknowledge the moment and show appreciation for our accomplice in the action. After all, we know all too well that men have the tendency to get lost in romantic moments and forget all about them once the allure of the seductive unknown is replaced by the sharp reality of everyday life. So why not do the right thing ourselves?
Thus was born my new approach to making any short-lived affair one to remember - by accepting it for what it is. Going forward, I am determined to be fully committed to enjoying the moment, but at the time of parting, I will give out no numbers and make no plans to meet, whether at the top of the Empire State Building or anywhere else. Instead, I will say thank you for a truly amazing time. I will acknowledge how nice it was to meet and how fondly I will cherish the memory. And after that, I will walk away, unencumbered by the weight of expectation, into that wonderful realm of possibility looking forward to the next great adventure.
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